WATER™
It takes a lotta brass to call your bottled water WATER™ and the powers behind it are mining a whole lotta heavy metal – though there’s none to be found in their supposed product. “Captured at the purest of sources from Lake Titicaca in South American Andes Mountains,” as opposed to various other Andes Mountains, WATER™ is right about one thing: “Drink it or Die, nothing could be more True.”
FIJI Water
FIJI Water is sourced from an artesian aquifer in the Yaqara Valley of the Fijian island of Viti Levu. By the time natural rainwater filters through the island’s volcanic rock and soil, it’s an estimated 200 years old and has absorbed above-average (though still trace) amounts of Calcium and Magnesium. The company is owned by American billionaires Stewart and Lynda Rae Resnick, and a clever marketing campaign has successfully associated FIJI Water with rich, famous and beautiful celebrities.
Proponents of FIJI Water state its distinctive combination of elements and minerals give it a uniquely appealing “soft” mouth feel that warrants the paying of otherwise exorbitant prices. Still, the entire environmentally unfriendly concept of importing water from an island on the other side of the world where (according to one report) 53 percent of the inhabitants don’t have a reliable source of fresh drinking water makes one wonder to say the least.
Diet Water
Diet Water… made in Japan and approved by the Department of Redundancy Department. An actual product marketed by the huge Sapporo Beer drinks conglomerate, Diet Water is an unfortunately named forerunner of the much more successful Vitamin Water though without any added sugar. Since Diet Water’s been discontinued it’s hard to know what effect it had on regular imbibers… maybe they slimmed themselves out of existence.
Bling H2O
Conspicuous consumption starts and ends with Bling H2O, with the end being $2,600 per bottle for the Swarovski crystal encrusted “Dubai Edition”. Purchasers buying Bling H2O for the contents – assuming there are such creatures – can rest assured they’re partaking of a nine times filtered product of a natural spring in Dandridge, Tennessee.
One doesn’t have to be filthy rich to enjoy a bottle of Bling H2O: prices start in the $20 range which is no small potatoes in itself. Hey, Bill Gates and Warren Buffett started small, so can you!
Canned Bottled Water
Has bottled water achieved such a level of conceptual separation from plain old “water water” that it retains its identity without any bottle being involved? The proof’s in the pudding: Canned Bottled Water from Japan, sold in retail markets for just 100 yen (about $1.30) per can. One possible explanation for this Carlinesque (jumbo shrimp, plastic glass, military intelligence) creation lies in the 災害 characters on the can which stand for “disaster”… they’re great for stocking the cellar or fallout shelter. Even so, why not just label it “Canned Water” or even less obviously, “Water” (we can SEE it’s in a can, duh). What’s next, Bottled Canned Water?
There are few consumer comestibles more polarizing than bottled water and some manufacturers (Berg water and FIJI Water are prime examples) go out of their way to greenwash their products. It IS possible to be an eco-friendly bottled water user – the main factor involves reusing the bottle or bottles. Sometimes even that isn’t enough but one thing’s certain: at least you can reuse a bottle.

