15 Humorously Literal Green Holiday Gift Ideas

When somebody asks what you want for Christmas, wacky gadgets, amusing games and funky apparel pops into your head. The eco snob in your group, on the other hand, simply answers with a short and snooty “something green.” Hmm, sounds like they’re asking for a holiday prank. Oh, their gift sure will be green, just not in the way they think. From Green Eggs and Ham and the Giant Green Egg to Al Green and Soylent Green here are some quirky alternatives for greening your holiday gift shopping.

Who doesn’t love dystopian sci-fi flicks? For the geek on your list, Soylent Green has it all: a murder mystery, out of control riots, a dark future where humans survive on processed wafers made from people. Pretty intense stuff.

Do you suffer through a boring lunch hour at your desk every day of the week? It takes all of about ten minutes to consume your sandwich and chips, and then you spend the rest of the time drumming your fingers and surfing the web. With the Portable Putting Green, you can hone your golfing skills instead. How’s that for office entertainment?

Too many times, you’ve walked by a group of giggling brats, noticed a red dot darting around your body and done nothing. Ready for revenge? Get your hands on the Green Laser Pointer and prepare for war.

Oh, admit it: you enjoy fruity feminine drinks as much an icy beer, maybe even more. Just make your appletinis at home with Sour Apple Pucker, and nobody ever has to know.

Trying to put the moves on one of your lady friends? Well, you’ll never get anywhere without the silver-tongued tunes of Al Green. Pop in The Definitive Greatest Hits by this king of soul and wait for the loving to begin.

If you scarf down greasy dishes like pizza and burgers on a regular basis, you may want to chase these meals with something healthy. Though it resembles the ghastly goo that drenched the Ghostbusters, Naked Juice’s Green Machine is actually quite tasty.

Do your buddies give you strange looks when you snap shots on your Polaroid camera? That’s probably because you’re a technological caveman. Move past the Stone Age with the Samsung Green Digital Camera.

You’re wearing a new pair of kicks for the first time and, when you ask your friends if they notice anything different, they narrow their eyes, look you up and down and ask if you got a haircut. Oh, if only you’d gone with the Green Adidas Originals.

When people tell you that bamboo rice is green, they don’t necessarily mean organic. These tasty grains are soaked to a distinct jade hue. What’s the special ingredient? Nothing like a hearty serving of chlorophyll.

Who ever said that diamonds are a girl’s best friend was seriously mistaken. Colorful personalities call for colorful accessories, and nothing shines brighter than the Green Amethyst Ring.

The holidays are nearly here, and you know what that means: honey-baked ham, buttery mashed potatoes, sugar cookies and a whole lot of pies. Oh, and don’t forget about the spare tire you’ll be sporting come January. Prepare for the onslaught of extra pounds by treating yourself (or any other fans of these fatty festivities) to Bob Greene’s The Best Life Diet.

Speaking of tasty goodies, add two scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream to make that pie a la mode. If you’re feeling guilty about now, just think of how great your breath will smell after this treat.

You can tell yourself all you want that the copy of Green Eggs and Ham you just bought is for your son or nephew. But, be honest. You still maintain that nobody conveys the simple pleasures of life better than Dr. Seuss.

Your solution to spills? That’s easy; you just rearrange the furniture to cover the traces of your clumsiness. But, this time, you’re fresh out of clean rug space. Rest assured, the Little Green by Bissell is a stain’s worst enemy.

Are you still using the cheap old grill that saw its heydays back at college barbeques? For a steak that doesn’t end up tasting like rubber, the Big Green Egg is an upgrade your taste buds will appreciate.

When you’re in the mood for a cold brew, you crack open your favorite lager. But, when you crave a steaming brew, nothing hits the spot like good old green tea.

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