Thanksgiving without the turkey is like Groundhog Day without the… OK, bad analogy but you get my drift. Not everyone enjoys the basted beast, however, so it can be a real challenge trying to satisfy those who’d rather flip off the bird than eat it. These 8 twisted turkey-free Thanksgiving tricks & treats make for some great gobbling at any meatless meet & greet.
Tofurky
(images via: LilVeggiePatch)
One can’t pen a turkey-free Thanksgiving post without waving a wing at Turtle Island Foods, creator and manufacturer of Tofurky. Tofurky has expanded mightily since its debut back in 1980 and turkey-phobic holiday eaters can now choose from a range of holiday creations including Tofurky Giblet Gravy… giblet-free, naturally.
(images via: Vegan Product Reviews)
Tofurky… not just for Thanksgiving anymore! The Tofurky Italian Sausage & Fire Roasted Veggie Pizza does the original Tofurky roast one better by not including Italian Sausage. Make that two better: it’s made with non-dairy cheese.
Jones Cola Turkey & Gravy Soda
(images via: LJWorld and BevReview)
Who would inflict Turkey & Gravy flavored soda on an undeserving world? Jones Soda, that’s who. Jones rocked our worlds back in November of 2003 when they announced “Turkey & Gravy” soda in honor of Thanksgiving – we responded by crashing their website. Imbibers who sampled the Jones 2006 Holiday Pack also “enjoyed” complementary Thanksgiving-themed sodas such as Sweet Potato, Dinner Roll, Pea, and Antacid (urp).
(images via: LOL Products!)
How do you top Turkey & Gravy soda? With Tofurky & Gravy soda, of course! Not that the original brew included any turkey, mind you, but perhaps paranoid vegans were put off by the name before they could be put off by the taste. Regardless, Tofurky & Gravy flavored soda debuted in 2009 to a rousing chorus – of crickets.
Turkey Joints
(images via: Deectably Scrumptious and NowPublic)
Thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving Cheech & Chong style? Well break out the Turkey Joints and don’t even think of Bogarting ’em! Turkey Joints are a unique candy-coated chocolate filled with a “marrow” of chocolate and ground Brazil Nuts. Sort of like an upscale version of those unique candy treats called Chicken Bones. You don’t have to have the munchies to enjoy Turkey Joints but, er, umm, what was I talking about?
Turkey-Flavored Doritos
(images via: The Taipei Kid and We Are Sub Rosa)
Speaking of the munchies (and the crunchies, for that matter), Doritos are your average gamer’s fave snack and they come in just about anyone’s fave flavor – even Flavor Flav’s fave flavor, which might possibly be Turkey. Doritos have become a worldwide phenomenon and you’ll find Roasted Turkey flavored Doritos in Taiwan. See, the chips look like little Christmas Trees and… hey, who designed this, Flavor Flav?? Above right are another type of Turkey Doritos: Doritos from Turkey! They don’t call turkey “turkey” in Turkey, by the way, they call it “Hindi”. The more you know!
(images via: Woman’s Day)
Lay’s is another global snack brand that has cleverly tuned their offerings to local cultural cuisine. Hmm, that doesn’t explain why Lay’s Turkey Potato Chips are sold in Mainland China. We’re not sure what Mainland Chinese are expecting from their snack foods, by the way, but it’s probably a lot worse than turkey.
Turkey Day Triple Fudge Ice Cream
(image via: Ice Cream Journal)
“Turkey Day Triple Fudge is designed to take the best parts of Thanksgiving dinner and unite them in a very rich, creamy, frosty dessert. It does that by combining super premium chocolate ice cream with morsels of real turkey covered in dark chocolate swirled with sweet potato, chocolate fudge and cranberry sauce.” Now hold yer horses, pilgrim, we said this post would be turkey-free and we meant it – there’s no actual turkey in Turkey Day Triple Fudge Ice Cream ’cause Turkey Hill doesn’t make any such thing. It’s just the twisted scribes at Ice Cream Journal pulling our drumsticks with a timely post dated March 31st, the day before… uh huh.
Thanksgiving Gumballs
(images via: BaronBob.com and Accoutrements)
How often have you dug into a plate of oven-roasted Thanksgiving turkey only to find it’s been overcooked, and you end up chewing and chewing and… the heck with that, eliminate the middleman (he’s a lousy cook anyway) and get yourself some Thanksgiving Gumballs! Available in Turkey, Cranberry and Pumpkin Pie flavors, they’re the greatest thing to come along since those ice cream pills 10-year-old Pia Zadora ate in 1964’s Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.
Turkey-Flavored Canned Veggies
(images via: Glory Foods, Cafe Press and Newgrounds)
Do your kids hate eating their vegetables? Yeah, well, Turkey-Flavored Collard Greens aren’t going to change their minds. Neither will Turkey-Flavored Turnip Greens for that matter. Maybe Glory Foods could try deep-frying their Collard Greens and Turnip Greens in chocolate sauce.
Wild Turkey Bourbon
(images via: Whisky Drinker, Twenty Twenty and J-Walk Blog)
What’s the best remedy for freeloading relatives, noisy young’uns and WAY too much rib-stickin’, calorie-laden food? Turkey of course! Er, Wild Turkey that is, Kentucky’s famous 101-proof bourbon and Hunter S. Thompson’s favorite tipple. That’s tipple, not triple – the only thing worse than leftover Thanksgiving turkey is a raging Wild Turkey hangover.
(images via: Taste of Bourbon, Food Service Geeks and The Vegan Epicure)
Wild Turkey offers a range of delicious sauces as well, and you’re not obligated to use them on turkey too. Actually meat itself is optional: The Vegan Epicure mentions an intriguing recipe for Vegan Fried Chicken with Wild Turkey Barbecue Sauce, shown above right. Finger lickin’ good indeed, and you’re cool with the Vegans as long as you only lick your fingers, not bite ’em.
(image via: BaronBob.com)
Staying in the spirit of the season is simple, even if the traditional main course turns you off faster than your s/o’s tryptophan-laced morning breath. Hey, Christmas still works without any actual elves, reindeer or chubby guys (Santa, not you), amiright? That’s where the incredible Inflatable Turkey comes in: blow it up, garnish it to the max and watch it glisten… while you and your grateful guests dig into buckets of hot wings, juicy t-bone steaks or an extra-large 7-topping pizza. Now if only they made an inflatable Tofurky…

