Butt Ugly: Deep-Sea Assfish Is Aptly Named

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The deep sea dwelling Bony-Eared Assfish is as butt-ugly as a fish can get, has virtually no brain to speak of, and no doubt has a charming personality.

OK, we get that living 10,000 feet deep in the ocean’s so-called “midnight zone” means nobody will be offended by your appearance but jeez louise, the Bony-Eared Assfish (Acanthonus armatus) is UGLY! In one of the late Rodney Dangerfield’s better-known jokes, Mr Gets-No-Respect pokes fun at an ugly woman by saying “Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.” Well folks, the assfish is so ugly the hook would run off and hide before the pallid, tadpole-shaped monstrosity came near enough to chomp the bait.

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As if being the polar opposite of beautiful isn’t bad enough, the assfish is a dumb as a bag of harpoons. We’re not just piling on here; scientists say it’s so! The March 23rd, 1987 abstract from the Proceedings of The Royal Society (Biological Sciences) states the Bony-Eared Assfish “has, per unit body weight, the smallest brain… of any vertebrate.” They should have named it the Ignoranusfish: stupid AND an as- er, you know.

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When it comes to being ugly and dumb, the assfish stands uhh, swims alone. It’s alone in other ways as well, being the single solitary member of its species. Being that there are no other types of assfish, it can be truthfully stated that the Bony-Eared Assfish is the ugliest and dumbest assfish of all time. OF ALL TIME. At least it’s good at something. Check out the assfish in action – and we mean that in a good way – on this 37-second-long video.

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